HEADS UP: This is NOT my de-conversion story.

Okay: Keep Reading <3

I was a born-again Christian until 2014. I was "about that life," as some would say.

In 2013 when I was still a saved, sanctified, and filled-with-the-Holy-Ghost Christian. I had recently completed my bachelor's at a Christian college and I was thinking about my future. I intended to pursue a Christian vocation.  I was going to be a minister, a Christian spoken word artist, and a Christian lyricist. I planned to pursue a Master of Divinity, a degree which would equip me to do all of those things and have something to show I was qualified for what I felt I was called to do.

My, oh my—who would have thought, at the age of 29, I would be so far from those plans, yet so at peace? However, arriving at that place of peace and acceptance was a tough one. After reflecting on my road to de-conversion, and to loving myself and trusting myself, I realized my story wasn't as unusual as I thought. I use the word unusual because we (African Americans) are the most religious group of any in the U.S. Conversely, there has been a mass exodus of black women leaving the Christian faith and identifying themselves as an atheist, agnostic or non-religious. The American Religious Identification Survey of 2008 found that from 1990 to 2008 the number of blacks without any religious affiliation nearly doubled, growing from 6 to 11 percent. There are multiple reasons as to why many have left, but these are of most interest to those of us in exodus, and not critically examined by church leaders or researchers. The focus is what happens to us after we've left and chased after who we are; and not what we were indoctrinated to believe we are.

On the road to self-discovery, cognitive dissonance can seep through like fantastical poisonous vapor when making simple decisions. One can feel selfish, self-shame and hesitant about trusting one's intuition and, in addition, to finally following one's heart (you know that deceitful heart of ours?) But for those of you who are leaving or going through an internal battle of what you were taught versus what you know now: take heed!

Leaving a foundational belief can be a perplexing process to go through. It can cause a constant challenge to your self-worth, confidence, and ability to trust your gut.

I questioned my faith and encouraged others to do so (Still do). Nevertheless, I won't pretend that there wasn't a guilty beetle gnawing at my conscience during this time. Questioning leads to more understanding and one's faith is not exempt. I felt guilty when publicly inquiring to know more about my faith. I observed the body language, the facial expressions, and cues that read, "How dare you question God!” When I secretly sought answers from books and more patient Christian leaders, I already felt scared, ashamed and embarrassed to ask. I asked anyway, and strongly suggest that people take action, despite your fears.

When I finally found answers from private research and other sources, I went to leaders for confirmation and guidance. I was either was shut down without a reasonable answer, or was given the gas-lighting technique. With years of discouragement to question, or being told how to think and to walk with fear and trembling for God, it can be a bit traumatizing to take the first few steps towards self-discovery. One may feel weird to question their personal decisions, their upbringing and flaws after being shamed and shunned from asking too many questions. I beseech you to please question, even when it’s difficult! How else will you gain insight into the matters that pull you the most?

Whether one remains a Christian or not, the process of diving deep into one's faith and challenging doctrines, scripture and tradition are rough as a cat's tongue licking sandpaper. This is why many people don't attempt it; and for those who have, I commend you. For those of you who have walked away from the Christian faith and have started to trust yourself more, seeking after your purpose and discovering who you are, please know that your intuition and your heart are not deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Follow your heart!

After growing up being taught that you are nothing without God, that your thoughts are deceitful, that your heart can't be trusted, that you were born in sin, shapen in iniquity, it is no surprise that some of the most natural actions you decide upon will be engulfed in a feeling of shame. Do you want a drink? Are you really about to purchase a sex toy? Take it another step further, would like to become a sex toy wholesaler?

Cognitive dissonance and shame will hit you in the face and pull you down.

There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is not always a bad thing. It can remind us to be accountable to the personal standards we have set for ourselves… It can push us to correct a wrongdoing we have done to someone else. Shame, on the other hand, is akin to an obsession with being awful. Shame targets our identity and tears it to shreds — if we let it.

What you wear, look, say, and even think, can cause internal hostility after leaving Christianity. You would like to wear that skirt that is two inches above the knee? But that isn't modest, if you go out in that you will look like a slut (even if you weren’t trying to). —or at least that's what you were taught. You have sexual thoughts that you constantly attempt to curtail because sexual thoughts are shameful and lustful. Masturbation? No way! It is far too shameful and gross—or so you were taught. The back and forth with natural acts such as the above that in every day society would seem be considered normal, can be agonizing. But without your faith you don't answer to a Bible or a particular leader these days. Shaming yourself for natural desires and thoughts is not the wave you're riding anymore. Let go. Let it go. You are more than what the Bible said you are. You are more than what those leaders say you are supposed to be. You are more. Whether or not you believe in God, you are more. Stop confining yourself to a box that you told yourself you walked away from!

When we read scripture that tells us our hearts are deceitful, that we were born in sin and shapen into iniquity, that we are nothing without Christ, that we are to just submit, —all of that damages and delays our process of self-discovery. After leaving Christianity, who will you run to when your gut is telling you to stop eating all those sweets or that the dress you're wearing isn't too short? The most sacred parts of you, your heart and gut deserve to be heard. Your voice is worthy to be heard and listened to.

You must look within. You trust your gut in what it's saying. You pay attention to red flags, common sense and the wisdom your parents gave you. You are smart, wise and full of experience. Trust yourself. Whatever you don't know, this life will teach you. And, if not, an elder, without bias, will give you insight. It's okay. All that you have is within you or within your reach.

"Don't you forget whom you belong to, you belong to God!"

"You aren't better than anyone else!"

"You need a Savior; you are nothing without Him."

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself, walking around here like you know it all."

"Your gut? If it isn't discernment that matches the word, it's ungodly."

Do any of the above sound familiar to you?

Granted, we did not arrive here by ourselves. We are a part of a legacy: giants, ancestors who have been through everything for us to get to where we are currently. This is exactly why we shouldn't hold back who we are for a religion we have already let go of. The same intuition that was within families before us is within us now. How many stories must we hear about people not trusting their intuition and dealing with the consequences? How many "I knew I should have" conversations must we engage in to realize that our true potential is waiting to be awakened?

Shame must be faced on the road to self-discovery. When learning about yourself, you must know that flaws and all, you are worthy.

The society we live in conveys the "self-love and worth" message heavily. However, we know that the media's portrayal, passed down ignorance of how we should act, and the degradation of the natural aspects of us contradicts such a beautiful message. There are many voices, boxes, and traditions that have made us who we are today. Some of those attributes should be kept; others should be released from our minds to find peace. Shame has to be faced as soon as you begin your journey to self-discovery. Not all lessons, ideologies and lifestyles are meant to be kept. Your heart is not deceitful — it is guidance. You must question — you will find wisdom. Find joy in being yourself unapologetically and leave the shame where you left it — in the trash.

Again: This is NOT my de-conversion story. My de-conversion spill is here: Why I Left Christianity

30 Bible Verses about Self Awareness." What Does the Bible Say About Self Awareness? Ed. Stephen Smith. N.p., n.d. Web.

"More African-Americans Leaving Religious Faiths." Intersections South LA. N.p., 14 May 2012.

"Shame and Shaming." ~ ExChristian.Net. N.p., 11 Nov. 2014. Web. 16 June 2016.

Cox, Jennifer. "Don't Follow Your Heart, Get a New One!" Don’t Follow Your Heart, Get a New One! N.p., 27 June 2013.