I used to meditate for ten minutes daily. Ever since the ‘Ronas, I meditate without a timer. Where am I going? Where’s the rush? We locked down anyway!
However, during full moons, I reflect on what I need to let go of. Old habits, archaic mindsets that no longer serve me etc. Well, a thought came to mind about how I’m still overly cautious about feeling too confident and too happy.
Post-meditation, the relationship I had with **Cam came up. Like a ghost, I carried Cam’s views of me this entire time and didn’t spot its ghostly claws on my mental until last night. All the hurt, anger and shame rose to my chest. I wanted to push it back down, but I knew better. If I want healing in all areas, that includes the hurt that hides in the crevices of my soul. That includes the pain that I didn’t know I had ‘cause I was too busy trying to survive and elevate in other areas. Tears ran down my face as I forgave myself. I cried and released all the ache that was boiling from this wound, I was so sure had become a scar by now.
I once entered a relationship feeling confident within myself. I was grounded in who I was at the time and open to the beautiful opportunities that surrounded me. Intrigued with what I was discovering about myself and in love with poetry. It took me awhile to arrive to that place…
From the very beginning, Cam felt as though I had to prove myself to them. One day, we were walking down 14th street during the autumn season and Cam randomly watched me walk. They smiled and said,
“You have a great switch in your walk. You got it.”
I smiled and replied, “Thanks.”
They sped up ahead of me to watch me walk. Frowning, inspecting my small hips, their lips sliding downwards, they shook their head. With their hand to their chin, they cocked their head to the side and said, “Never mind. You don’t got it.” I shrugged and waved them off.
Whenever I wore a dress that made me feel good and Cam knew it… they would make a face and say, “You look okay, I guess.” On social media they would write in the caption how “beautiful” I was. They would often look at my hair and say, “My hair is definitely longer than yours.” It was like I was always in a competition I did not understand I was competing in. If I got compliments from a stranger about my outfit or glasses, Cam would belittle me in a hasty manner. After a while, if someone complimented me, I’d freak out, mutter out a quick thank you.
Fuck a smile…the stranger may linger…. I may connect with that stranger….more ammunition for Cam to be mad about.
Long story short: I was frequently shot down, belittled or devalued anytime I showed too much confidence in myself. In Cam’s eyes, I was small.
As time passed, I got some damn sense and snatched back what I relinquished to Cam. I left Cam but, I didn’t realize the ghost of their views of me lingered in me all this time. During this quarantine, I’ve been taking care of myself externally, as I mentioned in my previous blog post.
I’ve been feeling good- but I was also feeling anxious. Defensive. Concerned that this reunited self-confidence might be a problem in my current relationship. Over thinking and wondering if I’m being too happy in life…Afraid that I should stop pursuing my goals so it won’t be sabotaged. Wondering if I’m even that valuable to share my love for poetry more openly… I would post a picture of myself and over think that I should take it down, not knowing I was carrying around a ghost’s perception of me.
I faced this issue: Why did I give Cam room to penetrate my self-esteem and confidence? I know why. Because I was trying so hard to be something, I was not…But that’s a whole new conversation for another day.
Tonight, I leave that behind. I let it go. I leave the ghost’s perception in the fire. It won’t rise like a phoenix. Nope. The life I’ve been living has been scrumptious. I’ve learned, grown, experienced some things and feel lighter. I’m grounded in me FOR REAL. I no longer allow a ghost’s views of who I am to penetrate how I view myself.
I am not small. Neither are you. You are valuable. You are your own kind of beautiful. You are a creative being who has a purpose to fulfill. Live on.
Shot by: @MissReignProductions
Shot by: @MissReignProductions
**Name has been changed
10 years in this thing (slurps my luxurious ramen noodles and sips my bougie instant coffee). Anyway…I wanted to celebrate a decade as an indie author with the release of my eighth poetry collection, Rising From the Shadows. Pre-orders are now available for a December 10th release!