Why I Was Outside Lookin’ In?

I didn't realize the significance and beautiful affect pride month would have on me. However, I was on the outside, not caring to look at what was inside. Too preoccupied with getting delivert and suppressing it to the pit of my stomach, I didn’t fully come out until 2018. From then on, I finally felt the urge to honor and celebrate pride month. Don’t get me wrong, I knew about its history. I was aware of the commercialized part of it where companies decide to recognize us by slapping rainbows on their products for the month of June.

I never thought about attending the parades, workshops, educational exhibits and pop-up events that declared we are the opposite of being ashamed of who we are. Maybe that’s why I was on the outside too-I was draped in shame.

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P R I D E

In 2018, the shame lifted, and I was ready to celebrate and join my community. I slowly came out to my loved ones and planned on attending NYC’s Annual Pride. The initial group of friends I planned on attending with bailed. So, I went with a college friend who had a similar journey to mine. I had a blast. My heart was soaring.

The mind can play silly tricks and make you believe you’re on this journey of re-discovery alone. That’s what my mind did. I guess because I was so busy in shame and isolation about my sexuality. Dancing, glitter, open queerness and laughter was there on Christopher street with my friend, her crew and I. Freedom to be authentic, acceptance was in that space. Floats with entertainers, non-profit organizations and groups marched down lower Manhattan and I was ecstatic. I saw signs with late activists given their shine and their accomplishments were illuminated.

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History and Laws

I wasn’t completely in the dark about LGBTQ history. My mother and her side of the family taught me about black prominent leaders and creatives from the past and present. That included those who were queer. James Baldwin, Gladys Bentley, Betty Davis, Marsha P. Johnson were names I knew of as a child. Nevertheless, I take this month to learn more about the living and passed on leaders/ creators who are under the umbrella. I could not marry my partner, adopt children or have certain rights protected if it wasn’t for the people before (whether they are recognized or unrecognized). I am usually up to date on current events, but I make it my business to look up laws passed or wanting to be passed that supports, discriminates or dehumanizes me just because I love in a non-heteronormative fashion. It’s important we don’t live with our heads in the sand.

How Far I’ve Come

I express my gratitude to those who were a safe space for me. It’s important for me to celebrate the fact that I no longer seek to change or deny what’s natural and me. I honor my choice to open my heart to love the way I was supposed to: Authentically. I still have moments where I beat myself up for not picking up on what was already there. I still have a season where I feel like: How in the world did I NOT know this? I take it easy on myself. Spotlight those feelings and give myself compassion. I have more inner work to do, but I am so grateful for how far I’ve come.

Happy Pride

Pride month is a beautiful time to celebrate and accept who you are. However, we must also recognize the work that needs to be done within us and in our society. Use your art, voice, creativity.

Happy Pride, Ya’ll

**Featured Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels

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